The Beast.

I came across a great many interesting things this morning well reorganizing and cleaning the basement. Unfortunately, this is not about those things at all. This is about something else I found--something uninteresting.

CHRISTMAS at the FIRESIDE: The Longines Symphonette's complete treasury of nostalgic holiday music--this is the complete name for this unslighly little treasure. It turned up around noon and I have since been pondering its fate. That is to say, I do not want this thing in my basement any longer and I am unsure of the best way remove it.

The first thought in my head, upon discovering the beast, was, "I had best ask mother if it carries any significance." The conversation was as follows:

"Do you want this?" I ask.
"No," she says.
"What should I do with it?" I respond.
"Destroy it," she says.

And so, I take the beast back downstairs and begin considering the implications of my situation. Is this record really so useless that it must be removed? Surely there is some human being out there who appreciates the good melodies of the Longline Symphonette? And what about its more practical other uses?

See, flipped to its back side, CHRISTMAS at the FIRESIDE, becomes an easy replacement for a floor or ceiling tile! Think of the shock and awe upon the faces of your friends and family as you unveil to them the true nature of the the kitchen tile they are standing on!

"Hey, Grandpa, guess what? That thing you're standing on is actually an old record!"

He'll probably give you an apple for being so creative!

A closer study of the cover reveals an astonishing discovery: Recorded in The Longine Symphonette's exclusive "Living Sounds." Some quick research revels that the word "living" refers to the experience of being alive and the word "sound" refers to a specific auditory affect produced by a given cause. Could it be that the sounds on these four discs are, in fact, conscious?
















Yes, it has to be true. Sealed on these four vinyls are entities we could never hope to comprehend. My mother was right in asserting its destruction. There is an old colonial axiom that goes, "When you do not understand something, you would do well to eradicate it." This saying has served mankind well so far and I suspect it will do the same to me. Thus, it is on these grounds that I place the beast in a garbage can.